Mixed signals in dating

Everyone pursues someone who doesn't feel the same.

My real learning curve happened in my early twenties with a girl I worked with called Grace (name changed). She said she liked me and wanted to go out with me, but not this week because she couldn't afford it, or her work schedule left her no free time, or we were opposite shift, etc. The fact she wanted to go out with me, made me like her more and more, and the fact she kept saying she wanted to go out with me, made me fall for her in a big way. I really fancied the pants off her.

Problem was she kept coming up with excuses, and when I clarified things by saying I was interested in a date, not just a drink with friends, she still said she was keen. It also meant I wasn't looking around for anyone else, I didn't think I needed to, which was a big mistake. I got sick of asking and getting excuses so I gave up asking. I heard she had been out clubbing with the girls at work so knew money wasn't the real issue. I took the hint and stopped asking.

Then, every time I bumped into her at work (we worked differing shift patterns), the first thing she would mention was how much she was looking forward to us going out together, but couldn't do it that week. This continued for a couple of months so I got really sick of it, and said "why make promises you don't intend to keep?"she got offended, so I gave her an ultimatum we either went out Tuesday night or she never mentioned it again. She said she didn't know her work schedule so I said "you have my home number just call me".

The weekend passed and she didn't call. I phoned her on Tuesday night about it, and left a message. She rang back an hour later apologising saying she was stuck on the Kings Road shopping for things for work tomorrow, and was on a payphone on her last ten pence, could we reschedule and do it in a few weeks time? I offered her a get out and said she didn't have to, and it wasn't important, but she was insistent about how much she wanted to go out together. So I said sure, let me know when's a good time for you.....Then I phoned my best friend to ask him if he fancied a beer that evening. He wasn't in so I left a message.

After my dinner I went over to the pub (realised my friend had probably gone straight there from work). He wasn't there but some people I knew were, so I stayed and had a drink and then went home. It had been 90 minutes since Grace had called me.At home I dialed to check who the last caller was (thought my best friend might have phoned while I was out) it was Grace on her home number, 90 minutes ago. She had totally lied about being on a payphone in a cafe, on her last ten pence. At that moment the penny dropped about all the excuses and lies I had been told.

She didn't want to go out on a date with me, she was just spinning me a line, and I was sucker who believed everything she said. Why, mystified me, and still does today.I confronted her at work and said some very honest blunt things to her face (with friends like you who needs enemies, your blues eyes have turned brown from all your bullshitting, etc.).

The fact is I had only said those things to her face, and didn't say anything behind her back (I felt too stupid to say anything to my work mates), but she didn't believe this. She interrogated my work colleagues asking what I said about her. This caused them all to go 'nudge nudge, what's he been up to upset her so much?' And so the rumours started. The end result was she didn't speak to me for 2 ½ years.

She was convinced I had been spreading rumours. She would walk into an office area I was in, and take the longest route around avoiding me, She would blank me in the corridor and let doors slam in my face rather than hold them, (especially when I was carrying something), and lots of other silly things.

She only started talking to me when her dept had a big problem and needed help, so she asked my supervisor who said 'talk to him, he's the one who can help you' so next she talked to my line manager who said 'talk to him, its his area of responsibility' so she then talked to my head of department who said 'he can sort that out for you, just asking him about it' It was a minor thing but it saved her department a lot of money and helped her curry favour. It was an ongoing issue which I chose to deal with as part of my job.

That's when she started talking to me again, and freaked me out by asking lots of personal questions about my family and all the stuff we had shared as friends. I ended up having to say "Sorry Grace, but I don't like to talk about my private life at work", which seemed to make her more curious about it.

I worked with her for six years and for 2 ½ of them she blanked me everyday. I still don't know why she strung me along and didn't just say no to going on a date in the first place? It would have been kinder. Maybe she did fancy me? Maybe she thought it was a good way of not hurting my feelings? Who knows?I still don't understand the point in all the mixed signals.

The really sad thing is that part of me for all those six years I fancied her, even when we weren't talking. One thing I am grateful for is the fact that she never did date me. If she had dated me, or bedded me and pretended to like me, then she would have really fucked up my life and not given a shit about it.

Its not just doors I'm painting.

SK has awakened the artist in me. A few months ago, I picked up a pencil and wanted to draw her, but she has little patience for staying still. So I bought a canvas and some paints and I sketched my favourite photo of us together.

Now I've started to fill it in.This painting still needs a lot of work but I've filled out most of the canvas now and hopefully it will look better when I get a chance to blend the colours better.I haven't tried to paint in years.

Funny what love makes us do.....

Even stranger is an art gallery exhibition we went to last year where I was convinced I could do better than some of the paintings there. Well, it looks like I have.

I know my painting is amateurish and needs more work done, but this was the standard of a lot of the 'expert' local artists I saw last year.

It won't be exactly like the photo (and I'm tempted to remove my double chin) but it will be a good likeness of us both.

Understanding Mum

My mother takes some understanding. The best explaination is this conversation I had ten years ago when I bought my own flat.

Even though its been many years the words to this conversation are written here and so easy to recall.

My Mum asked if there was anything I'd like as a house warming present. After a few months of not being able to think of anything (I am difficult to buy for) I admitted there was something I needed. It was an expensive toaster from argos. It cost £99 and was top of the range. I was getting sick of burning toast under the grill as I got ready for work.

So my mum goes to buy this present and gives it to me at Christmas.

I unwrap the present.

Thats when she says "I got you something even better than that"

I unwrapped it and said "What the fuck is this?"

"Its a mini grill. you can do toast in it"

"A mini grill", I was shocked

"Yes you can cook chicken and do toast in the mornings"

"How is this a toaster?"

"You just put bread in it"

"I asked for a toaster so I didn't have to watch the grill in the mornings so you buy me a grill so I have to watch the bread? How is this a toaster?"

"Its better than a toaster"

"NO IT ISN'T"

"yes it is. you can cook chicken in it."

"I put the bread in the toaster. Take a shower and eat my toast as I dash for work. When I put bread under the grill I dont have time to stand and watch it. I already have a fucking grill that burns my bread. HOW IS THIS A TOASTER?"

"Its better than a toaster"

"WHY THE FUCK DID YOU ASK ME WHAT I WANTED WHEN YOU WERE GOING TO BUY ME SOMETHING I ALREADY TOLD YOU I DIDNT WANT."

"It was the same price as the toaster you wanted"

"BUT ITS NOT A TOASTER. "

"Do you want me to take it back to the shop"

"YES. JESUS CHRIST!!!! I DON'T WANT A FUCKING MINI GRILL"

"You are so ungrateful"

"How is buying me what I didn't want ungrateful????"

Honest Talk

I am blunt so when I describe myself to friends I say short, podgy, thinning hair.
This honesty makes other people recoil. Like my Barber when I say I am going bald.....pure horror on his face, as he asks me if I'd like my hair left very long on top. No thanks, I'm going bald, no point in hiding it.

I once put an honest description of myself on Adult Friend Finder and had zero replies in one year. So I deleted it. Sometimes being honest is problem, you have to lie a bit to get on in life. I wish it wasn't true but it is.
I found that out from all my failed job intervews.

I use handles to describe other people, for example there is Simon the Teacher, Simon the computer programmer, and Simon the juggler. I know 5 people with same first name so descriptions help stop confusion, but sometimes I have to say "that lazy brother of mine", or "idiot father", rather than swear and use their real name.....

Spontaneity & planning are complimentary, Verses Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

For over 15 years I had a friend who suffered with OCD and planned every event. Every fortnight we would meet as a group in a pub and then go to a restaurant for a meal. He was correct in planning the next meet up, because restaurants are often fully booked at the weekend. The problem is he would try to plan things for the next 3 meet-ups, there and then, (6 weeks in advance), to find out if everyone could come. He would try to plan everything he did, and thus never did anything spontaneous or unplanned, unless we as a group managed to persuade him to try something new (such as a food dish).

When he arrived in the pub he would apologize if he was even one minute late, and give a detailed account of his journey there.Every time we met as a group he would try to verbally confirm who was going to be at the various regular annual events: Southend seaside trip, Alton Towers amusement park in August, a BBQ at mine in July, A bonfire party in November, A Halloween dinner party in October, and Six Birthday parties. These things happened every year, and every year he would try to verbally confirm who was definitely coming, might be coming, etc, in advance.

We stopped being friends 2 years ago because his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder was really getting to me and I begged him to get help. Planning is always good, but over planning does spoil an event.

The opposite is true with my partner SK. We always have loose plans. We have visited various museums and National Trust properties, and even changed our plans once we were on the way there. Such changed plans were always ones where we were not meeting other people, it was just the two of us.

I spent years tolerating an OCD friend, so now I appreciate spontaneity even if my plans for the day go pear shaped. I like living without a daily timetable schedule of forthcoming planned fun-time events.

Planning and spontaneity are complimentary. There needs to be balance between the two.